Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to inform you of the presence of a new evil threatening our society: cell phones. While I would like to say that they are only here temporarily, or that their reach is not widespread, it is apparent that that is not true. They are here, and here to stay.
We all remember the days before them. When private time was actually private time, away from beeping nuisances! How many of you have been talking to a loved one, a grandchild, perhaps, only to be interrupted by an irritating noise, and the promise that they ‘would be back in a minute?’
Our time is no longer worth anything. The younger generations are being corrupted and forced to work all the time, unable to be separated from their duties for the slightest minute. Cell phones are ruining their lives, and we are the only ones who might possibly notice, because we understand the way life was before all the madness.
Do you see what they are doing to our society? They are turning our diligent, beautiful world into a mockery of what it once was. This world is now a joyless wasteland, the younger generations cannot, or rather, will not, ‘stop to smell the roses,’ so to speak. One simple little thing has single handedly led to the destruction of the world as we knew it. The transformation is not yet complete, and so we must fight while we have the chance.
Why do they willingly follow such evil devices? Because they feel they must, and it is our duty to tell them that they can separate themselves, that they can be free. Now, they might not see it that way, but we are the elders, and we know far more than they do, and it is our right, our duty, to liberate them. I am sure some of you have fought in wars, willing to give your lives for our country sake: we must fight again, against a plague of technology that threatens to swallow us up.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to tell you that I have a way to do this: to stop the spread of cell phones. All I need is your help, and our world will soon be free.
The first step of my plan is to spread the word. Tell all those you know, here and elsewhere, friends, family, any and everyone, about this evil. Freeing minds is the first step to freeing bodies, and so we must let everyone know what is happening, and what must soon happen.
The second step is far more active. It requires enforcing rules while in your presence. Insist that anyone with a cell phone must turn it off while talking to you. Both you and your loved ones are aware that it is extremely rude to answer a phone while talking to someone else, and make sure that it is known that you will not tolerate rudeness.
The third, and final, step is to take political action. We are still an important demographic to the people up in Washington. Write our local and national politicians and insist on anti-cell phone laws. They must understand what is happening to the world, that it must be stopped.
Remember, be diligent. Our generation has prided itself on its motivation, and its pride in its country. Remember that, and we will succeed!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
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